Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
