i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's shark week go big or go home
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
