What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Randomize
