i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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