I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize