Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
