My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
