Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
