dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Blow job season was short but glorious.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize