just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
