I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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