why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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