I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
