dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
