How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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