had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize