You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
