If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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