you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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