How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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