there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
