My first STD was from a foam party
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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