yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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