I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
