Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
