he shaved USA in his pubs
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
