it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
