I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
