I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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