Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
