So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize