Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize