Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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