My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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