You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
