I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
