I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
someone threw a dead crab at me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
