its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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