Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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