i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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