She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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