Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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