Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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