In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
that may or may not have been my penis.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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