And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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