My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Randomize