Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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