yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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