You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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