It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
