I just threw up on my dentist
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Randomize
