I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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