I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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