I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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