i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How does one acquire holy water?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
