just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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