My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
