I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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