The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
