took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
