I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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