Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
