I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
