If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize