I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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