I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It was confusing and full of hummus
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
