I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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