she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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